balance
The last thing I ever want to do is waste anyone’s time. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a house that was very organized and driven, or maybe because I spent enough hours in classrooms and settings where I found myself daydreaming instead of actually living or learning. Today, I had a quick migraine came on that was super-intense and I sent an email to cancel class — a good thing, since within an hour everything turned flat like a video game. I don’t really remember driving home, but Chris got me into bed and I woke up again at 6 and am semi-coherent right now. Only to find out the email never went out and my students showed up, sat in class, and wondered where I was. I *never* wanted to have that happen. I feel like just about the worst teacher in the world.
And then I realize that’s the second migraine this week and something is just NOT right. Honestly, I don’t know what it is, but I have to find better balance than this. I’m working right now, on my laptop in front of the tv, but I shouldn’t be on the computer at all if I don’t want to trigger another one. I haven’t worked out except for walking in months, and I don’t walk Willa nearly as often as I should. I was named a Teaching Fellow this week, but I haven’t seen my brother in months and he lives only 14 miles away. My publication record is pretty good, but I picked up my camera last week for the first time since the beginning of May. I weigh more than I ever have, and every time I see a baby or small child, my ovaries set up a call and response hymn that goes something like this: “When are you going to have the time in your life to do something really important. Like be a mother.”
What does it mean to have it all? What is balance? Will I ever be a mom, with a baby, two dogs, two cats, an old house with a garden, time to hike on the weekends, and summer trips overseas? When I daydream, it’s not usually about my vita, but about a curly-haired little girl who has Chris’ eyes and my funny little mouth.
I think I need to find better balance. Is that possible before tenure?
April 27th, 2007 at 2:02 am
Absolutly,
I do believe that you will experience that beautiful dream. Will you be able to balance a career, dogs and a cat a husband and a beautiful curly haired girl in a life time? Absolutly! For one, you are still very young and two, women are having babies after 40 some 50. It’s funny that in this week’s sermon the message was entitled “Hold on to your Dreams!! So don’t stop day dreaming and Don’t stop praying, I do believe our most passionate desires are a part of God’s plan.
PS: I really enjoyed your class. The challenge was rewarding. One of my desires as a result of your class is to overcome my challenges. Thanks so much for your diligence with me. As for your migrains, read Rashonda’s blog on The Secret.
April 27th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
I don’t think a balance can ever be reached. I think you just have to determine what will come first. Something always has to give or you will drive yourself crazy.
April 27th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
you should never feel as though you are the ‘worst’ teacher in the world- trust me there are plenty out there who don’t care about their students…
and about achieving balance… it takes alot of work and even then something gets pushed aside…
April 28th, 2007 at 4:03 pm
I noticed you commented on my blog about the book, The Secret. It truly is worth the time to consider reading or watching the movie… It has changed my thought process completely… I used to be a worry-machine… Now, I truly think and “believe” that I already have everything I want, desire and am entitled to… We create our lives… We create our existence… All of our thoughts we send out into the universe must be positive…. Life is wonderful!!!!